Why is every day a second chance at parenting for me?
Every day I miss my children more than I think my heart can bear. Missing them is not going to change how far away they are, blaming myself will not bring them closer, and all the sadness inside me will not change the future.
Recently, my two oldest children moved quite a distance away. Their father bought a house, and they were given the choice to start a new life or to stay here with me.
To respect their privacy, there is many details that I will keep in the family, but I can say that this decision was well thought out, and is believed to be in their best interests.
I haven’t blogged about it very much, partly because of the privacy they have requested, and partly because I am working hard to overcome the feeling of a lot of shame that my children don’t live with me.
What is most important is that they are happy, well cared for and loved.
Since they have left, I have felt a lot of sadness. If I am not careful, I begin to sort through the past, and all of the mistakes I have made. It seems like my children would not be living so far away if I had not made so many mistakes. It is easy to fall into depression and feel like there is no way to make things better.
Thankfully I have an amazing councilor, that helps me to see that beating myself up for past mistakes, is not going to help me grow. I can not apply what I know now, to who I was when I first had children.
I have learned, that believing that every one deserves a second chance, starts within. I know I must forgive myself for making the mistakes I have made, and make choices that use morals and integrity moving forward.
A friend of mine told me he had thought of me and that this came to him. John 4 New International Version (NIV) The idea that we can be given a second chance, makes me feel grateful, for it is never too late.
I try to allow myself time to reflect on the past, to be present with sadness when it comes and to miss my children every day. Every day, I try to do at least one thing to create and a strong bond with my children.
Nothing fills the void I feel, yet many things make me feel closer to them. I write letters, make cards, send funny pictures, phone, mail and text. When I am out and about, I think of things to say, write or make for them.
There are many times I call and they don’t want to talk, but just hearing their voice and knowing they are well fills my heart with joy. Being a parent from afar, is difficult and I am finding solace in the stories I find, of other parents that have made it, and are close with their children as adults.
I thank everyone for their support, and for sharing their stories with me. I never knew so many parents, raised their children from afar. Their stories touch my heart, and I am grateful.