The writing of this post scares me as no other has before. I feel compelled to share my experience and hope that is will serve someone whom is recovering themselves in the future.
Today’s therapy session may have been the most productive so far. So much has happened since I discovered that I had poor boundaries. I would like to share with you the events in my life over the past three weeks.
Learning to set boundaries has been difficult, perhaps because I have always seen them as a sure way to lose anything that matters in my life.
Most of my life I have lived in scarcity mode, in fear that I would lose what little, “I perceived I had.” Looking back I now see that I had so much abundance and love in my life, that was missed because I was so focused on the negative.
Until three weeks ago, almost every decision I had made was to please someone else, serve what I though my family needed or what I though society would expect I do.
The home we were living in was unsafe, and it took someone asking if we could have been suffering from carbon monoxide poising to help me see it. A visit from the city inspector, proved that the garage door separating our suite from the garage was not to code, and could be leaking fumes into our home.
We did what I see as, “A Trust Fall Into The Universe”, and decided to end our tenancy immediately. We did not have anywhere to go, and I began to pack that day. Deep down I heard, the voice of, “what if?” I kept drawing all the amazing knowledge I have been blessed to read, into my life, and began applying it.
It seemed living in a motel would be more healthy than that home, and I was prepared to do whatever it took to live a healthy life. It only took three phone calls, and we found a safe place to live, until we find a permanent home.
Leaving was a great test of my new-found knowledge of setting boundaries. Our previous landlords were not happy that we let the city inspector into their suite, and that now they can no longer rent it. The house and entire neighborhood is not zoned for suites, and theirs is nowhere near code. There is many more details involved, but these are the most important.
So I am sitting in a warm and dry home, typing this as I sip a cup of hot lemon tea, feeling very grateful that the universe lined up and provided us with everything we needed, and now we are safe.
Next came along another test in my boundaries, this time with my long-term disability provider. They informed me that I should be making more progress in healing than I have, and now need me to see one of their psychologists.
After only two sessions, she told me that perhaps I could give going back to work a try. Since the essential oils are providing me with some relief from chest pains, I could just take them at work and go on with life.
To address my allergy to smoke, perhaps they could cordon off a section for me and put up no smoking signs. She gave me a handout on stress and anxiety, and sure enough many of my symptoms are on the handout.
Next I went to my doctor for a regular check in. She looked over the handout, and told me that she doesn’t feel good about sending me back to work, in any position, while I am still working on finding the cause of my chest pains, and going to pysio. My body is still healing and I look forward to the day I can get back to running again.
She told me that there is other methods I can find to relieve stress, while I am sitting on the proverbial runners bench. However, once I can do activity to increase my heart rate, it should really help me to manage stress in my life again.
I had a large spike in traponin and although they can’t find what caused it, they want to be sure I don’t continue to experience these spikes.
When I talked with my benefits provider, they were not pleased that I am having trust issues with the psychologist they sent me to. They have the power to cut me off benefits, if I do not comply with what they ask.
If they decide that I am not healing fast enough, or disagree with my team of doctors and councilors, they can say my claim is closed, and I am on my own.
I was living in fear, that if they decided to end my claim, I would not be able to feed my family. However, I have decided that it is time to step out of that fear, and start to trust that I will find a way. I am going to do what is right, for me, not just what will keep a pay check coming in.
On a suggestion I received, I called a highly successful, mens’ group for sexual abuse. They offer PTSD counseling at a reduced rate. I have been on a wait list for a PTSD counselor and there is about a year-long wait list.
It was again as if the universe lined up everything for me, and I received a call back in about 20 minutes. One of the PTSD councilors has room in his private practice, and is willing to see me, at the reduced rate the men’s group offers.
After filling him in on my story, he told me he is able to help me through the plan that victim services approved for me, so I can start now. I am again putting my trust in the universe, that I will be able to come up with the funding, when the time comes, to continue with my other issues, that are unrelated to victim services.
The story could have ended here, but it doesn’t because after all of this, I had a very big, underlying fear. What if I get better, but can not return to my job? What if I can not provide for my family by doing the only thing I have training for?
Today in my session with my councilor, we dived deep into this issue. There is a process, and I may have to repeat it over and over again in my head.
Worry pops up, such as, “How am I going to find another job?”
I answer that by thinking about a solution, and picturing it. One example, perhaps I could build websites for businesses.
Then I recall a time that the universe lined up everything for me just when I needed it. An example I just shared was about a place to live.
It is like learning to ride a bike, I am wobbly and need to keep on consciously applying these new practices into my life.
After we finished talking, all that fear was gone, and I felt at peace. On the way home, I found this podcast to listen to. Talk about attracting what you need when you need it.
The Good Life Project, PTSD. http://www.goodlifeproject.com/david-morris/?t=radio
Then I was listening to Sharon Lechter, on The Top 3 for Entrepreneurs, By Stephanie Burns
She talked about worry and how she personally overcome allowing it to run her life. She shared her story about leaving her job and how closing one door was what it took to open new ones. Most importantly, she talks about faith and how important it is to make it to success.
So I am grateful for such great podcast interviews and knowledge being out there, totally free of charge, to listen to and help me grow. I’m grateful for my family supporting my choice to begin the PTSD therapy, my disability team supporting my healing, everyone that listens to the podcast, those who put themselves out there and share their story, the knowledge I have gained about the importance of faith, and my new-found ability to embrace it.
We are all on a journey to find who we are, how we can help others, and what our meaning is in this life. I am grateful you are sharing in mine, and I would love if you would like to share your own in the comments below.